Answer:
For those who do not want to download the file, this is the poem:
By Jessica Im light and full of energy i can make Fire i Roar when i hit the Ground im big and bad i make you run away but i just want a friend to play i'm lonely up here alone in the sky you destroy are earth it makes me wanna cry everyone Deserves a friend so why don’t i? It's like my Creator is Against me why why why!? I'll keep destroying time after time once it's over I'll cleer the Sky and a rainbow will appear. I am the color Blue i have friends know. thank you. i am the everlasting storm.
Before I make a judgement, I will correct some grammatical and formatting errors. (I apologize if I change it too much)
By Jessica:
Im light and full of energy
I can make Fire
I Roar when I hit the Ground
I'm big and bad, I make you run away
But I just want a friend to play
I'm lonely up here alone in the sky
You destroy the Earth, and it makes me want to cry
Everyone deserves a friend so why don’t I?
It's like my Creator is against me, why why why!?
I'll keep destroying time after time,
And once it's over I will clear the sky
And a rainbow will appear
I am the color Blue;
I have friends now,
Thank you
I am the everlasting storm.
I have a few critiques:
The poem has a beautiful concept; a lonely storm pained by the abuse of the planet caused by humans. The storm expresses their emotions through lightning, destruction, and striking fear among individuals. But beneath the anger, there's sadness. It doesn't want to be enemies with humans, it wants to be allies. But, once humans learn how to properly treat the planet, the storm will clear, and will no longer be alone. It will no longer be enemies with humanity.
It is very creative, and I think your teacher will appreciate it.
But, if I had to make some changes, this is how I would write it:
(You do not have to change your poem accordingly, your poem is beautiful. You can use this as a reference if you want, though)
I'm light, full of energy, and sound
- I added "and sound" to make it rhyme
I start fires, and crackle as I hit the ground
- I changed "I can make Fire, I Roar when I hit the Ground" because when I first read it I thought you were describing a dragon.
I'm big and scary, and I make people hide
- I wouldn't describe the storm in this story as 'bad', so I changed it to 'scary'. I felt people would moreso hide from a storm rather than run from it
Yet, I just want a friend by my side
- I changed up the wording so it rhymed
It's lonely floating in the sky
- This paints a visual of a lonely cloud
I watch you destroy the Earth, and it makes me cry
- I imagine the storm crying represents rain, so instead of it saying "want to cry" I changed it to "makes me cry".
We all deserve a friend, so why don't I?
- changed up wording a bit, felt it fit better
Life is turning against me, and I question why
- I felt it was better to make a statement about life itself rather than incorporate deities so it has less of a personal feel (not about the cloud, the author) and more of a general statement about the planet
The destruction continues growing in time
- I put this to signify the continued destruction of the Earth caused by humans
But once it's over, I will clear the sky
- instead of saying "and once it's over" I changed it to "but once it's over" because it fit better in context
And a beautiful rainbow will overlie
- changed wording to rhyme with sky
The heavens will shine a royal blue
- I felt in this context, "the heavens" would be a better description for the sky. Also, because the sky is always blue, I signifified that it will be a richer blue: royal blue.
And the fight against humanity will be through
- Instead of saying "I have friends now", I tried to add a deeper meaning to the phrase to signify peace.
The icy air will turn warm
- added this so it could rhyme with "storm"
I am the everlasting storm.
